1. Feign deafness. This bothers your teen when she is trying to ask for something. And believe me, the only time she'll talk to you is when she is trying to ask for something.
2. Agree with everything she says. "Yes, dear, I am horrible." "No, dear, I don't understand." For the love of God, do not try to reason with said teen. Therein lies madness.
3. Do not attempt to engage your teen in lighthearted chat. The withering glare you will receive would make Medusa seem friendly.
4. Try not to hang out with friends whose teens seem to be perfect. It's too painful.
5. If your teen continues to act particularly unpleasant, leave his/her name and number at the local military recruiter's office. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Wish me luck, updates soon...