Today I have accepted that I have a problem, I have no control over myself. Well no self control...those are two totally different things! I hope everyone had a great time at Blog her, maybe if they ever throw one on the west coast I will be able to show up. Went in for my final appointment today, I basically had knee surgery so they could tell me the can not fix my problem as it is my kneecaps. To be precise I have floating meniscus'(menisci?, meniscus's) both knees anyhow. This is an incurable thing leads to severe in both knees. The Dr. claims this condition is usually caused by height and weight and exercise issues., but since i am 6'2" and 155lbs and walk some, not a lot. He gave me a script for Vicoden and said "deal". I get to go back to work on the 4th of august.....Yeah, the last few days have almost called me from boredom. I haven't been to work in a month and a half. My job is extremely boring but apparently I enjoy it more than I thought.
Back to my total lack of self-control, I don't want to get into it right now so I will save it for the next post. I love all of you and will write again soon!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
At that Evelyn left the drab green office. As she walked briskly out onto the sidewalk she began to think of all the things she could have said to Dr. Lacey. she thought of the woman who at work ate her lunch immersed in her own troubled world. Evelyn worried that one day that small insignificant woman would no longer be there, and if anyone would even care? She thought of speaking about the house she grew up in, not really a house but a cottage. And her Father and how he worked very hard and provided well for their family so that Evelyn's mother could stay home and take care of all the mundane things that HE could not be bothered with. She decided to spend the rest of her day in her apartment watching old movies. The next day she rose for work and as she was walking down the street because she couldn't find a cab, she decided to waste the fifty cents and buy a newspaper just to see that everyone else pain and misery was worse than hers. Among the pages of death and destruction she found the missing children page, and there was the face that plagued her. It was the face of the young girl from the other day. At this Evelyn decided to retrace her path from the previous day in hopes that she would spot the missing girl, whose name the paper said was Olivia Jane. As Evelyn walked towards Dr. Lacey's Office she watched everyone around her and wondered if they even had read about little Olivia. Evelyn decided that while she was searching by herself she should call the number in the paper that was asking for any information. The phone rang half of a ring and a man picked up "Hello, Hello?" Evelyn suddenly had second thoughts while remembering what the child had said yesterday before running quickly away. "I'm sorry, about your daughter I mean.... but I think I saw her yesterday" she said. " You saw Livy, where, when, was she okay?" he sounded genuinely concerned. Evelyn explained to the man,whose name was Gregg, that when she had seen Olivia Jane the little girl had been clean and relatively good, yet extremely upset. Evelyn decided at this point that honesty was the best thing and told Gregg exactly what the child had said.
Friday, July 17, 2009
This is a collaboration between myself and Thing1, my writing is in Purple hers is blue.
Once there was a woman named Evelyn, she had many problems. To her they seemed insurmountable, unattainable goals, full of hopelessness. She was a very serious girl, never laughing, crying or showing any type of emotional weakness.
She had the emotional hide of a rhinoceros. In spite of her what seemed to be unbearable life, she was beautiful. Her hair was perfect; long, wavy and a deep red. Her lips full but subtle and soft. Her delicate features made her stand out in a crowd. However, her eyes were stone gray, and for people who cared to notice, they truly showed her pain. They were her one point of weakness and told her story with a connecting glance.
One day as she was walking in the city she came across a small child. The child had long blond hair, the color of the noon day sun. Her eyes were the same shade of Grey as Evelyn's own. The small girl although seemingly lost showed no signs of fear. Evelyn asked, "Is there someone you're waiting for, or someplace you should be?" The small girl exclaimed "I am never going home, my mommy doesn't love me the same as she loves him!" Evelyn thought about the right way to go about this, it could very well turn into apotentially bad situation quickly.
Then Evelyn opened her mouth to speak to the child, but as soon as she could and did, the child had turned and ran away from her. Evelyn tried to follow her, but the young girl was lost in the crowd witin seconds. The thought of this child plagued her mind for about five minutes, but being the self absorbed person she was, she decided that she didn't have time to worry about it now. Evelyn decide if the girl was still there after her appointment she could and would worry about it then. For now she had far more pressing things to take car of. Mainly her financial situation, which was quickly spiraling out of control, and the recent turn of events that had befallen her. Her parents had decided to die at an extremely inconvenient time and it was all she could do to keep food on her table and a bottle of wine in the fridge. You would think that in this type of situation someone would be depressed and miserable, the only thing that was troublesome for her about her parents losing their lives was that she had to pay for the funeral and for the credit cards, not to mention the therapist bills that she has to pay for. Her past with her parents was basically non- existent. They were the reason her heart was as cold as ice, and the reason that no one knew the way she really felt. For so long her feelings have been buried, buried beneath the layers of lies and excuses that kept her from saying what's really going on in her head. The endless string of therapist and drugs only solidified the fact that the one person in the world she need was herself. As Evelyn walked into the office building she shrugged out of her lightweight rain jacket. She had moved to Seattle, Washington long before her parents had even become sick. The skies here matched her eyes perfectly. Sitting in the dull waiting room of her therapist's office never made things any better.The terrible green color of the walls was supposed to be calming but instead it reminded her of the awful color of her parents couch in high school. There were water stained magazines on the end tables so that the patients would be occupied while waiting, waiting to spill out the contents of their lonely lives on to the chaise lounge that awaited them. There were fake plants in every corner collecting dust, being neglected just like every sap that walked into this terrible place. Today she was here to talk about her parents, her therapist suggested it after hearing about their recent death. A woman turned the corner and called her name after looking at the clipboard with a slight snarl. Evelyn stood up and took the long walk down the hallway to the room everyone dreaded to enter. Dr. Lacey greeted her with a warm smile, that for anyone else would make their knees tremble and their heart skip a beat but Evelyn was unaffected. It isn't that she did not find Dr. Love (as she called him behind his back) attractive. It was simply that Evelyn knew she had no time for such nonsense in her life right now. Dr. Lacey asked her to sit down and just once she wished she could say no, but she sat. The instant barage of questioning began, how was your week, any episodes of hysteria, suicidal thoughts, any urges to hurt other people? Eveyln answered "No" to these as she always did. Her grandfather had commited suicide and she saw it simply as the cowards way out. Her father had taught her to stand and face your problems, look them in the eye....this today brought a single tear to her eye. As she quickly brushed it away she looked up from under her lashes to see if Dr. Sexy had seen, he hadn't. He to was looking down, only he was looking at a clipboard full of notes from past sessions. Still looking down towards the floor she asked, "Do you think this is the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?" He looked up waiting for her eyes to glance towards him, but today he seemed to be the patron saint of lost causes. Finally he replied, "That is a very deep question that may take some time for me to answer." In the mean time is there anything you would like to talk about? Eveyln started..... well Doctor, on my way here I ran into a little girl, she seemed to me to be lost and alone but when I asked her, she burst out an ran. I cant seem to get her off my mind now that I've thought of it, and I can't help to think that I was meant to come across her. To which he replied, "Do you believe she was some sort of sign?" Evelyn then said, "You know never mind, Its not important." She was lying, to him and to herself. They sat in silence for almost a minute until they both spoke at the same time, causing another akward silence which was followed by Dr. Lacey's voice reminding Evelyn that she could speak her mind here and that within these walls he was nothing more than a confidant to whom she could trust with anything. That if there was going to be any change she had to be willing to talk. She nodded but then asked is this session over? And Dr. Lacey replied in his soothing voice, only if you want it to be.
TO BE CONTIUED...
Friday, July 3, 2009
I know that I never told the whole story, I was having a horrid last couple of days. Two weekends ago I did a very wrong bad thing. A thing that has gotten me in trouble more than once, more like a thousand times. Something so bad that my husband told me if I did it again he could no longer live with me. The last time i did it was more than two years ago. When the deed was done, all said and done, Frankie told me he could no longer tolerate my actions and that I was not hurting myself so much as everyone who cared for me. Then....he left and my world fell to pieces. I couldn't eat or sleep. Normal actions and thoughts were nearly impossible. I cried, I screamed, my children stopped talking to me, my doctor medicated me to the point where I was afraid to drive. At times I did not feel like i had the will to continue living. The only thing that kept me sane was the thought of my children growing older without me seeing or knowing how they will turn out. Tonight my whole world started spinning again, i can see and feel and I never want to feel the way I did again. Tonight he told me he wants to come home and work things out. He wants to try to make things right. I know that it isn't over, the worst is yet to come, self realization sucks. For I'm I will do anything, I have never felt as if my every breath depended on someone else's love and understanding. I am whole with him, without him I feel like I have no soul. My Frankie is coming home and I couldn't be more ecstatic! Wish me luck trying to make myself a better person for me and everyone I love. The rest is yet to come, the BEST is yet to come. I love you Frankie, please be patient with me and hold my hand while i wallow through all of the memories and pain. Thank you and Good Night!