4/8/2010

     So... yesterday sucked hard, i don't talk about my feelings a lot, i have my reason, i don't like the vulnerability of it all mostly.  but i need to get this out, i can't walk around with this inside, well without it doing harm... went to Rog's funeral yesterday (not important who he is for now) and i was sitting there and i was fine...until they started singing, i lost my ever loving shit. my poor girl, thing 1, was sitting there next to me and i am sure she thought i was losing it... i have known Rog for 5 yrs but not well enough to really be losing it the way i was.  Frankie (on the other side of me) i think had a slightly better idea of what was going on but still didn't say anything at all -yesterday. at the end of 2007 i lost both of my grandmothers within two very short weeks of each other. most people have pretty strong relationships with grandparents(hopefully) but i grew up living with one or the other of mine off and on until my late, late teens.  my father having died when i was very young brought my paternal gma (gma S) and i super close, maternal gma (moo-maw) had a farm(100+acres) in Kentucky that was full of adventures in the garden and horses in the barn. we(my mother and I) lived on the Farm until i was 5 or 6, right about the time my father died. moo-maw got sick in late Oct of 07, intestinal cancer, found out on my mothers b-day, being the close knit southern family that we are, no one who lived in KY had the guts, or whatever their excuse was, to help so my mother(who was going one way or the other) and I flew out and nursed her at home so she didn't have to spend her last days in a cold lonely hospital. i don't have the greatest track record when it comes to attendance at work but they agreed to give me my 2.5 weeks of vacation all at once b/c of the situation and away i went. when i got to Ky. moo-maw was still coherent and knew everyone who came to visit etc but was declining quickly so mother and i started making funeral plans etc. i had to leave, my time off was up and she was in the last stages, she had quit eating and barely opened her eyes anymore, i was grateful i didn't have to be there for her last gasping breaths but will forever feel disdain for myself for leaving my mother to deal with this all by herself(save for an ungrateful sister and her kids who were there only to find out how much of the money they were going to get). back up a few steps...gma S and moo-maw had always been friendly with each other, but never REALLY got along. while i was in the ville i took 2 days to drive down to Owensboro and see gma S, my grandfather had died the year before (in early march of 06 and moo-paw had died when i was 11-12ish) so she was basically alone except for my uncles EX who could not have been more wonderful to someone had it been her very own mother.  while i was down there gma S found out that moo-maw was dying and it was like her face registered it as..."ha-ha-ha I made it longer than her" at the time it was kind of funny but realized later that this was her giving up, she did it, she had lived longer than moo-maw...she could leave now to be with Gpa.  i flew home the 3rd week of Nov 2007 and moo-maw died 2 days later. i had no more time i couldn't go back i missed her funeral, i will also regret this for the rest of my life, i will regret that i didn't make my ex take the kids so they could have a proper good bye, i guess i regret alot about those times. i was at home wallowing in self pity when the call about gma S came, she was in the hospital and her health was declining fast and no one knew just what was wrong or how to fix it, if i wanted to see her alive i needed to be there yesterday. i had no more time i couldn't go, it was see he dying in the hospital or her funeral what a choice eh?..... she died Dec 6th 2007 moo-maw having died Nov 27th 2007. the two most important women in my life both whom i could have considered as much if not more motherly than my own mother died. i was devastated, but i couldn't cry. i didn't cry, not until yesterday, it was like being at Rog's funeral felt like i had cheated them out of my grief. i went to KY for gma S's funeral but was there for 3 days, long enough to fly in, sleep, get up the next day for services, sleep, then leave.  i don't think i had time to process then exactly what had happened...so why yesterday, Rog should have had his own tears, why did i feel nothing for this funny little man who brought so much joy to everyones lives. i felt selfishly sorry for myself because I could now cry and I was crying for me not him.  will i cry for him at the next funeral i attend? how is this fair? and when will it catch up with me, my grief i mean, will i ever be done or always waiting? IDK i want answers that i don't believe can be found without talking and i don't talk very well, just ask Frankie.....oh well I'm crying now...